Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
