I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
