Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize