A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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