Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
