I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
