at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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