So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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