i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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