Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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