No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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