Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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