you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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