Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
