He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
