i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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