I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
