I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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