don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
