I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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