You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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