I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
