what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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