Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
