Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My day in three words: secret purse cake
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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