I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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