so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
