Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
