Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
