it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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