Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
