it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
