just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
its liver damage thursday
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
