dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
