Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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