Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it was like eating out sand paper
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
