note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
