i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
