we're blogging at a bar
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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