This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk is not a location!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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