You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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