are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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