Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
