I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize