If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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