Welp...herpes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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