I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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