there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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