Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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