omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
