im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
