i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
