the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
