i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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