fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
