when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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