Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
